


A Present for Hux

by Xperine



Series: The Adventures of Kylo Ren: Dark Leader of the Knights of Ren, Grandson of the Coolest Sith Ever, and All Around Totally Shredded Badass -By Kylo Ren [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Autobiography, Gen, M/M, Pets, Sorry Not Sorry, Typos, don't really want to put much more because spoliers, happens before the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 05:38:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10550978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xperine/pseuds/Xperine
Summary: In which our brave, incredibly handsome and intelligent protagonist returns from a mission with a special... gift... for his fellow officer Hux.A completely true and I’ll kill you if you disagree autobiography by Kylo Ren





	

**Author's Note:**

> From Ren:
> 
> Hello devilishly dapper and astonishingly astute readers. I will assume that some of you are reading this for school on your planets as a history of my amazing life and my journey to the darkside. These are the stories, a memoir, commemorating my daring escapades through the galaxy. This book is written in the third person as it lends itself to a better storytelling vibe, deal with it. It is often interrupted with personal commentary.
> 
> May your days be full of darkness and chaos  
> -Kylo Ren

_A few years before the completion of Starkiller base, the planet is under construction. Hux is on a star cruiser overseeing progress; Kylo is normally there too, but can often be gone for long periods of time, with or sometimes without Snoke’s permission (because he can)_

Kylo strode down the hallways of the ship, his cape behind him and his lightsaber swinging at his side. It had been a long trip back from the outer rim. They had run into pirates, half of the rations had been stolen, and they had had to scavenge like animals from a terribly desolate planet without any first order bases on it. Snoke had wanted them to wipe out a village apparently full of rebels, but it had been a wild goose chase with no signs of any underground activity. And who could blame them? The planet was disgustingly damp and rainy; he was surprised anyone lived there at all. Still, orders were orders, and they had burned the villagers from the face of the planet. That had relieved some frustration, but not enough to make it worthwhile.

Right now he wanted a shower, some clean clothes, and some quiet. He rarely got any of the latter. At least when he was away he had to see less of high and mighty General Carrot. Always, “ren, what are you doing? Ren, shut up! Ren that's not how checkers work! Ren, stop destroying the ship!”. It's like he was his mother or something. And Hux was probably still pissed that he had accidentally destroyed one of his precious plans with some of the computers upon burning his toast (yes it was an accident, Kylo hated burned toast, even though it was black like his soul) as well as half Hux’s ‘special’ bonsai tree collection (maybe not an accident). After that it had been whine whine whine to Snoke, breathing down Kylo’s neck telling him what to do. But, the trip had gotten him something to hopefully fix that issue. A little present. A little, vicious present. 

Note: NOW, before anyone gets any ideas, it was not a birthday, or valentines gift or anything. Don’t be silly. Hux was (and still is) the worst. I hated him more than anything -and I hate a lot of things. I hated how smug he was, his deliciously vicious mind, how perfect he always looked, the way his red hair brought out his bright grey-blue eyes, like sunset over an ice covered lake.....

Back to the story

Kylo walked a little faster, the bundle under his arm. He was covered with scratches from the mission. The sooner he gave Hux that gift the better. He headed towards the place where they met before talking to the supreme leader. Kylo had to report on the mission. He turned a corner, and walked into a silver wall. He just about drew his lightsaber to smash it in frustration for daring to get in his way, but a familiar voice sounded. “Hello, leader of the Knights of Ren”.

He took a deep breath and relaxed. “Hello Phasma” he said. Kylo liked Phasma, she was a good friend. She never tried to tell him what to do or to make fun of him. She was quite good at space-checkers and poker (perhaps because she kept her mask on) on game night. She also had a bad habit of calling everyone ‘darling’ after a few too many drinks. However, she was also a stickler for appearances, and when she was on duty, she was not very fun.

“I past General Hux in sector C-2 waiting for your arrival. I believe he is a little impatient”  
Kylo rolled his eyes. He was glad he was wearing a helmet, but Phasma always seemed to know anyway. 

“I suggest you resign yourself to the encounter”

“Yes Captain Phasma. See you later then. The cruiser bought a new board game.”

She tried to hide it, but Kylo could see her stand a little taller. They were just about to pass each other when Kylo’s package moved on its own. She whipped around. 

“I hope that isn’t a foreign life form you brought on board.”

“Oh don’t worry about that Phasma, it will be taken care of.”

“I will assume you will get rid of it in the near future. Very well. Until later” she said, continuing on.

Kylo walked a little faster, and finally arrived before the waiting room door. Hux must be inside already. Kylo typed in his password and the door hissed open.

Yes, there was Hux, seething away on a chair. “You're late. And take your helmet off, it's not like you need it to breathe.”

Kylo didn’t move. “It is for intimidating my enemies.”

“Well, its not working then.”

Kylo took his helmet off, if just to make him shut up. Hux was a butt. Hux the Butt. New nickname. Carrying on.

Hux sneered. “Oh, actually put it back on. It’s an improvement.”

“Ha ha.” 

“You're clothes are shredded. Your face red. You smell like urine and sweat.”

“It's not like I had time to change,” Kylo snapped back. “Not all of us want to sit in an office and be pampered like little princesses.”

Hux snarled. “Its an intellectual way of life, not that you would understand you nerf-herding bantha poodoo farkle. I’m not the one with the purse”

“Its a satchel” he said. Satchels are very manly. The satchel moved. Hux took a step back. His eyes narrowed

“What have you got in there?”

“Oh, well, since you asked,” Kylo reached a hand into his package. “erg!!” he pulled it out. He tried again, and hissing noise emerged from it. He lifted out a small, disheveled, orange kitten. Pieces of his black cape were still dangling from her claws. “it's a present for you”

Hux raised an eyebrow. “Under section 32.1 clause D there are to be no animals on board other than humans.”

“Oh hush” said kylo. “There are exceptions. Dianoga always get away with it. We were destroying the village, and it found it and thought of you.” he lifted the cat up a little. “See she-” the cat spat and swiped at Kylos face the best she could. “She matches your hair” the hissing and clawing continued. “And your attitude” he muttered under his breath.

Hux stepped forward, looking at the kitten. _Yes yes, a little closer and the cat will rip your face to shreds._ “Why don’t you hold her?” 

“Hiss”

“What??”

Kylo quickly stepped forwards and thrust the feral kitten into his arms. He grinned, ready to see the cat attack Hux just as she had done to him. But nothing happened. 

She stared right at Hux. It was complete silence. She blinked.

“Meow”

She started purring.

Hux smiled. He brought her to his chest; the cat kept purring.

 _WHAT?_ Thought Kylo. _WHY ISN’T SHE ATTACKING HIM?_ He walked towards her to take a look. She instantly snarled. He jumped back

Hux smiled again.

“What?!” said kylo, “Why does she like you and not me?!”

“She obviously has good taste, you bug.” He tickled her tummy affectionately. “I will name you...” he paused. “MILLICENT” he turned away from Kylo. “Yes, Millicent” he cooed. “Let us destroy our enemies together. The big stupid man's not going to bother you anymore.” he placed her gently on his shoulder. “I’ll rewrite those silly rules, and everybody’s going to honor you and respect you and feed you treats and...” Hux started to walk out the door. “Tell the Grand Admiral I’m sick, would you Ren?”

Kylo stood dumbfounded. His planned had backfired. And Hux, HUX was skipping a meeting? He flopped down on a chair.

Hux popped his head back in. “Oh, and Kylo?”

Kylo looked up.

Hux swallowed. “Thanks.”

So goes the story of the only time Hux skipped a meeting and received the beloved cat Millicent. I of course was completely responsible for that and it of course was my goal: to give a companion to my dear *cough* _friend_ Hux *cough*. Not at all to have him disfigured by a savage animal and shut up Hux I'm writing the story here and that's totally how it happened and i’ll kill you if you disagree.

**Author's Note:**

> NEXT TIME ON THE ADVENTURES OF KYLO REN, PART II:  
> Phasma comes by to play cards, but something shocking is revealed...  
> Can Kylo save his friend from a never-ending battle? Probably. 
> 
> Drama, secrets, life-altering discoveries! More of out dashing, butt-kicking protagonist!
> 
> !!!
> 
> PS. comment! what did you think?


End file.
